It has been a while since I didn’t post something quite close to me, something quite personal actually. So, while stumbling around what topic to write on, especially that could be helpful to others, I decided to talk about the big underestimated word- Depression!
Yes, I just said that! Which means I have also experienced it. Yes, indeed! Today I shall be talking about depression, how it feels like. It’s high time we should talk about it and start dealing it as a serious issue
So, what’s it actually and how does it feel?
People battling it are no less than warriors. Every day is a new challenge where you keep struggling to at least survive. The worst part is you don’t have to struggle with the others. Because the real war is between you and yourself.
Depression, at least, what I experienced, both before pregnancy and post-delivery, is like a typical quicksand. You keep trying to get yourself out but it keeps sucking you in. A typical hopeless and helplessness sets in where you feel your existence is just futile. You slowly, yet gradually, start HATING yourself.
I still remember when mornings were no longer filled with energy and enthusiasm. Since childhood, I am a book-addict. Stories that had happy endings always revolved in my mind. I believed life would as easy and as exciting as I read about them in the books. But wait NO, it wasn’t.
You have to strive hard to earn bucks. You have to face shattered dreams. You have to live LIFE!
And, when you realize this, you start hating your life even more! Isn’t it?
When I was going through this depression phase, I hated waking up. I used to wake up and start pondering as to why even I am alive. I started crying without any reason. Even after a big fat wedding (Indian weddings are actually a big deal) or just a simple hangout with some really special friends, I craved to cry. ..for hours!
Depression is exactly like suffocation! The more you want to avoid it the more it smothers you!
At the beginning, I actually didn’t want to admit that I am the victim. I thought that it was just another bad day and that it would pass soon. I loved returning home alone, with depressing and heartbreaking songs jamming my ears. I didn’t care if a car is about to strike me or I am just alone in the street.
I start thinking that it’s just a temporary phase, when deep back in my heart, I always knew it WASN’T! And that led me to wear a happy mask every damn day.
Reality became a play! And I became an actor, who used to take off the mask only when everyone was sound asleep and the world is finally quiet… when there’s no one to listen to your sobs.
And that eventually made me avoid social connections.
I knew my family and friends would love to help me get out of it. But, I hate facing questions. And I soon realize that I hate people. Why? I don’t know!
However, as the society compels me, I am also a big social media freak. My friends often keep posting pics of their weddings, honeymoons, babies, successes and what not! But…
EVERYTHING seems indifferent to me! I just don’t care how they get all the happiness because I am too trapped in my own emptiness.
A major part of me actually didn’t want to be ever happy!
All along there was this positive voice that actually urged me to get up and win the world. To do something productive and fruitful, something that I can be proud of. But, every time I get an idea or an inspirational motive, I ponder about my mistakes. That eventually made me sit back in my own comfort zone, unwilling to try anything new.
Following this, even the little things that once made me feel happy seemed useless. The simplest daily tasks seemed burdensome!
And soon, my daily life became a vicious cycle struggling to survive amidst emptiness, hopelessness and helplessness!
Finally, when I realize the invisible trap, I face two mandatory choices! I am totally exhausted from LIFE!
So, what are those two choices?
I understand that either I have to get rid of it totally, either by help or by suicide!
Did I miss out anything else? Have you experienced something else? Don’t forget to leave it in the comments.
YOU’RE NOT ALONE!